It’s been a remarkably interesting summer. I’ve learned a lot about myself and how far I have come in my journey since escaping the hell I was thrown into and lived in for so long.
My ‘Clark Kent’ has been difficult. Not because I am incapable of the work (I am a seasoned pro with a natural gift of making anything prosper), but it was the unfair amount of work that was placed on my shoulders due to others’ petty jealousies and lack of decency towards their fellow man.
It still astounds me how people think they can lie, spread rumors, and intentionally do everything they can to destroy someone’s life, foolishly thinking that their actions are above Divine Law; that their shit doesn’t automatically bounce off of me and return to them.
Not because I am perfect, but because I do the decent thing even when it is hard and the pressure is intense; I stand firm in being The Light and the knowledge that like ‘white,’ I don’t require anything outside of myself to exist (my success doesn’t require anyone’s failure – it is completely independent of anyone else), unlike ‘black’ or darkness, which doesn’t exist on its own. Its identity requires that it must ‘absorb’ everything in order to be (something to think about).
One of the good things that came out of that pressure was a determination to enjoy my life, just as it is; to see and acknowledge that I live in Heaven; to enjoy the blessing of living in the state of mind that I do, unapologetically (something I learned from Anne Frank).
One of those ‘determinations’ was to enjoy swimming in the lake, which I love so much.
I am excellent at pattern recognition, and one of the rewards of pushing myself to go to the beach every night after work was observing and getting to know the flow of the local beach culture. Everyone from the summer tourists, the locals, and the traveling caravans of surfers lookin’ to catch a ride on our famous local waves.
Another pattern I noticed over the summer was . . . the more I engaged with the world itself, the more random people stopped me to engage in a conversation, however small.
I even noticed how much I attract the gaze of men, even from ones that shouldn’t be glancing my way. And while the recognition of this pattern isn’t new, I did learn something new about myself . . . the reason they stare isn’t because of something wrong with me, or that I am ugly and undesirable, but is, in fact, quite the opposite. This is a debased mindset I have carried most of my life (remnants of the conditioning from my jealous mother). And after nearly a lifetime of their staring, I finally get it, and in that acknowledgement, the mindset transformed.
And while one would think I would use this to have ‘one hell of a summer,’ I didn’t respond or engage just because someone cast their gaze upon me, because that’s not what I am looking for. I didn’t come here just to copulate, but to mate, and I have made a vow that I will no longer simulate mating in order to be copulating.
There was one, however, who made moves so bold that there was no doubt about what was occurring, but he never stepped up to ask me out, even though he had my full attention and there was no room for even air to pass between us (believe me, I would have said yes on the spot).
So here is the invitation…
Let yourself pay attention to the patterns in your own life — not the loud ones, but the subtle ones that only reveal themselves when you finally start living instead of hiding. Notice who drifts toward you, who looks your way, who speaks, who doesn’t, and what all of it reflects back about who you actually are.
Let yourself question the old stories you inherited — the ones that told you you were less than, undesirable, unworthy, or invisible. Ask whether those stories were ever yours to begin with. And when you feel the truth rise — that you were never the problem, never the flaw, never the shadow — let that truth settle without apology.
And maybe, just maybe, give yourself permission to want what you actually want.
Not simulation. Not performance. Not coping. But the real thing — connection that matches your nature, not your conditioning.
Let yourself enjoy your life as it is. Let yourself be seen without shrinking. Let yourself choose the kind of love that requires no pretending.
Because the moment you stop denying yourself, the world stops mistaking you.
Be well and peaceful,
The Billy J
Your Perpetually Friendly, Neighborhood, Cosmic, Jedi-Surfer